Seoul Sisters

Seoul. A crowded, bustling city of 10,000,000 people.

My Asian adventures continued as I breathed in the new smells of this foreign country.

With my suitcase trailing behind me, I stepped onto the crowded subway and made my way across the city to have more reunions with friends. Throughout the week I spent in Korea I was able to visit with friends I had met in North Carolina, Hawaii, and at seminary in California.

You know the song, “It’s a small world afterall”? I was humming it all week as I marveled at how small our world truly is. With 8 hours on an airplane, I went from beaches and palm trees to kimchee and ancient Asian temples. Friends whom I thought I would never see again were suddenly sitting across from me.

Exploring Seoul with Eunice

 My journey began by visiting with Eunice, a friend I met in Hawaii in 2010. She showed me some sites in Seoul and introduced me to some amazing food. After 4 years, it was so great to see her!

With Charles, Eunice and Jooha at their church

I made my way down from Dongdaemun to Miguem where my friends Charles and Eunice live. Charles is the English pastor of a large church in the area. I was able to go to his church service and hear him preach. I was in seminary with Charles and Eunice. We spent so much time in classes with each other and studying in the library.

It was a joy to see them in action and see how God is blessing their commitment to serve Him. When we were in seminary, we had no idea where God would lead- but two years later I’m in Hawaii as a missionary and the Kims are serving in South Korea. We exchanged stories over dinner of how God has been at work in our lives- what a blessing!

Coming from a college of 3,000 in a tiny country town in North Carolina, it’s amazing that Juyeon, Mina and Alice ended up there (all the way from Korea!) But I’m so thankful that God brought them there because during those years at Campbell, we became close friends.

With my "Seoul Sistahs" Mina and Juyeon

Five years later, we found ourselves catching up on years past and reminiscing about our memories in North Carolina. Hairstyles had changed and we’d all grown up a bit, but the bond we shared had only deepened. Seeing them in their country and experiencing their culture helped me to know them even better.

Not much has changed since our college days :)

My friend Sylvia was an exchange student in Hawaii in 2012. Her family graciously invited me to stay in their home and boy was that fun! Her parents (who speak very little English) insisted that I call them “Mommy and Daddy.” Hand gestures and smiles were our common language- and of course laughter, which is a universal language! I became a part of their family that week and was sad to say goodbye!

Learning all about Korean culture with Sylvia and Danwoo

You can't go to Korea without going to a water park!

 I'm so thankful for the friendships I have with people all over the world. I love our differences, I love their cultures...and I love how our faith in God binds us all together. Looking forward to the next adventure!

Japan- the joy of rekindling a friendship

For eight years, Yoko lived and studied in Hawaii, an ocean away from her home in Japan. It was during that time that I met Yoko and we instantly became friends. We’d hang out nearly every night- cooking together, watching sunsets, and bonding by watching episodes of Friends. She’s got one of those personalities that is so sweet that you almost wonder if she’s real! She’s one of the most genuine and kind people I’ve ever met.

This group was inseparable when we first met back in 2009

In her first years in Hawaii, Yoko was going through a tough season of life and was battling with depression and loneliness. It was at a shopping mall, of all places, that she saw a worship team from a local church singing praises to God and she was so moved that she showed up at their church the next Sunday. God captured her heart that day and since then, she has become a very committed follower of Christ through the years.

Last year, Yoko moved back to Japan, where she teaches English to freshmen at Utsunomiya University. Yoko’s heart for her students is evident in the way she talks about them. For her, teaching isn’t only her job…it’s her mission field.

The last time I saw Yoko before she left Hawaii for Japan

 Back in May, I traveled to Japan for the sole purpose of reuniting with Yoko and a few other friends I’ve met through the years. I spent most of my time with Yoko. You know, sight-seeing was great, the food was good, and Japan is a lovely country. But my absolute favorite parts of the trip were the hours and hours we spent talking- whether it was on a train or in a teeny tiny hotel room in the wee hours of the night.

Exploring Tokyo with Yoko

Though we’ve kept up with each other through e-mail, there’s just something special about having those face-to-face conversations. It’s totally worth a trip across the world to have such a sweet reunion!

One of the most memorial days of the trip was the day I went to work with Yoko. As a teacher at a public university, she is not allowed to outwardly share her faith with her students. However; since I was visiting as Yoko’s guest, I had complete freedom to do so…so we made the most of the opportunity :)

Some of the girls from Yoko's English class

In all three of her classes that day, I shared with her students about my life in America and then about my faith in God. I also told them that Yoko follows Jesus and they can ask her any questions that they may have.

Her students were so kind and even sent me a scrapbook after with sweet little notes of appreciation.

Eating Utsunomiya's famous "gyozo" on my last night in Japan

My time in Japan was wonderful because it gave me time to deepen a friendship with a sweet sister in Christ. I think I needed it as much as she did. Her encouragement ministered to me deeply, and I thank God for a friendship that knows no bounds…not even continental ones!

The two worlds I live in

A “parallel universe” is a fictional idea that two realities co-exist. When the television show Lost was on, I found myself so intrigued by the alternate universes that characters weaved themselves in and out of. One moment they were on a deserted island and in the blink of an eye, they had a family and kids in Australia.

Sometimes I feel like I’m one of those characters, hopping between two different worlds. I moved away from North Carolina five years ago and have had many adventures and life changing experiences since then. Hawaii has become my home away from home. I have a job, a great community of friends, and have started to lay down some roots here. Life in Hawaii is so different from life in NC. Not bad…just totally different. The culture, the food, the people, the landscape; It’s almost a different universe.

Yet within 15 hours in a time machine (known as an airplane), I can find myself back in my comfortable life on the East Coast. It’s almost as if I never left. I thought about this over the weekend as I traveled home for a friend’s wedding. I brought my bags up to the room I grew up in which hasn’t changed at all. The closet is still full of my clothes and looks as if I never left. I went to my childhood church and reconnected with folks who have been going on with their lives and it felt like I had just been away for a few months.

I love being home. There’s something so comforting about waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and walking down the stairs to greet my parents, who are now empty-nesters. Walks around the neighborhood, sitting on the back deck drinking sweet tea…the simplicity of Carolina life is what I miss the most.

Yet I’m not the same person I was when I lived there. I’ve grown in ways that no one there can completely understand. They will ask me about my life and genuinely care…but years of experiences are impossible to fully communicate, even to my closest friends.

But then on the flip side, my community in Hawaii has known me for only three short years of my 27. They don’t know my roots. They can’t fully understand who I am or where I came from. I can tell them stories and show pictures, but it doesn’t even come close to fully explaining who I am. I often wish I could merge my two lives together. Instead of traveling back and forth twice a year, I wish the two universes could collide and my past could converge with the present.

Then again, maybe that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

I was raised in a family where I received more love than most. The faith of my parents and grandparents was deeply engrained in me. My life in Carolina taught me to be confident and independent. And I think it was that faith and love and confidence that compelled me to go out into the world and share it with others. Maybe God was in all of this. What if He used my experiences in NC to mold me into the kind of girl who would be willing to drop everything to start a new life somewhere else?

I could have easily decided to stay in NC forever, but from the time I was in middle school, God put this passion in my heart to do whatever it takes to make disciples of the nations. And sometimes a calling like that involves uprooting and starting a new life in a distant land.

I’ll be honest, some days I get homesick and I wish I had never left the comforts of home. I want to be closer to my family and not face the worries of living on my own so far away from them. But then I’m reminded of the people I’ve met here that I never would have met had I stayed in one place. I think of the students I interact with on a daily basis who are hungry for the Gospel. And I think of the lessons I’ve learned that I simply wouldn’t have if I wasn’t living on my own, far away from home.

And what if my life in Hawaii can somehow be connected to those I know and love back in NC? Maybe the experiences I’ve gained here are meant to encourage those in NC who still support and pray for me. Some of my biggest prayer warriors are ladies at my home church who are unable to “go” themselves, but they send me handmade cards every month and add me to their prayer calendar and send me packages with ingredients for cookies so I can make them with international students. They are a part of God’s work here, whether they realize it or not.

After the long flights and sleepless nights, it can be easy to grumble about having two seemingly distinct lives that are SO far away from each other. But I’m starting to wonder if it’s another way God is blessing me. He could be using my Hawaii world and my Carolina would to simultaneously work together for His Kingdom in ways I never could have imagined. I don’t need to choose one over the other. God has used my roots from NC to take me to the Pacific Ocean and is now equipping me with experiences here that can in turn bless and encourage those who are still on the East Coast.

Praise God that even when I feel overwhelmed with keeping up with both lives, He is working in BOTH of them for His glory! So wherever I go, I will embrace that place, knowing that God led me there and HE is in control. Wherever You lead, Lord, I will go!

Photos taken just days apart. Top: NC with family; Bottom: Hawaii with friends

The Little Blue Pillow

Tears stained the little blue pillow on my couch. The outlines of tears past and tears present created a jumbled up blob of sad stories.

Some tears came from grieving with friends who had lost loved ones. Some were cried out during prayers begging God for the salvation of my lost friends. Many tears came from being hurt, or facing my own regrets and failures. And some tears came from nights where my heart felt as if it was being ripped out of my chest from heartache.  

That little blue pillow has had its fair share of tears. When I’m sad, or afraid, or just plain bleh, it’s all I can do to squeeze that little blue pillow as tight as I can and somehow find the ability to release whatever emotion is welling up inside of me.

Ecclesiastes says that there is “a time to laugh, and a time to cry.” For most of my life, I’ve experienced seasons of laughter and joy. But sometimes the Lord allows us to go through seasons of sadness.

Months ago, I clung to my little blue pillow as I wept after hearing the news that my dear friend’s mother had lost a long fight with breast cancer. My heart ached for her and questions swarmed through my mind. Why, God? How? What now?

I received a message from another friend who is volunteering in Africa about the conditions there. Thousands of children roam the streets, begging for money. Women and infants are dying in labor due to the lack of medical knowledge and equipment. Again, I wept over the sad conditions that so much of the world faces every day. Why, God? How? What now?

Recently, I said goodbye to one of the best friends I’ve ever known and cried and cried until I woke up the next morning. The loss was too much to bear. Again, I asked the Lord the same questions. Why? How? What now?

Though my questions were unanswered, I knew that God hears the cries of his children and he won’t turn a deaf ear to them.

Sometimes we think we must have done something wrong if we are going through a season of sadness. If we’re following God, we should be happy, right? Or could it be that the thousands of tears that were spilled onto my little blue pillow could be watering a seed that will one day turn into a beautiful flower?

Maybe God allows us to go through trials and hard times, not to punish us, but to increase our dependence on him and strengthen us. Maybe he burdens our souls in order to pray for his people and to spur us into action. Maybe if life was all butterflies and rainbows, we wouldn’t understand our need for Jesus.

Scripture is filled with God’s promises for the heavy-hearted:

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”    1 Peter 5:10

 “Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy” Psalm 126:5

 “Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

Look at these amazing promises that spring forth after a season of trouble and sadness: He saves us, He sustains us, He will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish us. And we.will.reap.with.JOY!

As I’m nearing the end of my twenties, I think I have a more realistic view of life. I recognize that there are many troubles. People will always disappoint and let you down. The world is filled with evil and horrible things happen. We lose loved ones. We experience heart-break. But there is no problem that God does not care about. There is no tear that has stained my little blue pillow that the Lord has not seen.

He sees us. He weeps with us. Sadness is a reality; How we respond to it is a choice. Will you cast your burdens on the Lord? Only He can mend our broken hearts.

My Firefighter, My Hero

400 pairs of feet marched mechanically through the silent room. Their faces were solemn. Each firefighter’s badge was covered with a black band, representing that one of them had fallen.  A young hero came to his death tragically and unexpectedly and well over a thousand people had gathered to commemorate his life.

I watched their faces as they passed his coffin and paid tribute to their friend, their co-worker, their brother. Their eyes were filled with sorrow.

After the pass and review, Buddhist monks lined up around the coffin and set up for the ceremony. The strong smell of incense drifted through the air. Men in long cloaks hit metal gongs and other instruments as they chanted and groaned, creating a disturbing cacophony.

My heart went out to the crowd around me. Though I didn’t know Mitchell personally, I could tell he had deeply invested his life in so many people. Most of all, I grieved for his parents who had lost their only child.

As the low, droning chants of the monks continued, I closed my eyes and prayed for the presence of the Holy Spirit to enter this dark feeling place. In a room full of mourning, hopeless people, I prayed that God would be the one who would comfort their weary souls. No amount of chanting to Buddha could ever do that.

Friends and co-workers of Mitch then went forward to share stories about him in remembrance of his life. The stories made us laugh and cry. He truly seemed to have lived a life of love and excitement.

The very last person to share a word was my favorite firefighter in the world. He slipped out from the seat next to me, walked to the front, unfolded a piece of paper from his pocket, and looked out at the crowd. His deep brown eyes were full of compassion, kindness, and confidence.

He began by offering condolences to those who had been close to Mitch. Then he so eloquently and graciously presented the Gospel of Jesus to this crowd of lost people. He didn’t shy away from the truth. He saw the opportunity and used it to offer HOPE. His words were spoken out of love, not of condemnation.

From my seat, I looked at my sweet boyfriend while my eyes filled with tears. I had never been so proud of anyone. I was so proud of his strength and his willingness to shine for Jesus in the darkest of places. Carmi and I have very different “mission fields,” but I’m convinced his is the hardest. Even though he isn’t a vocational missionary like I am, the way he lives his life every day points the souls of those men to Jesus. They see a difference in the way he treats others, the way he serves without being asked, his faithful commitment to me, and even through the things he refrains from saying and doing. The battle is tough, but he is doing so well.

God calls us to be wise in the way we act toward outsiders and to make the most of every opportunity. My sweet Carmi lives up to that calling every day.

“Jesus wept with Mary and Martha. And He is weeping with us now. He’s here to offer us hope when we place our trust in him.”

His words gave hope and spoke life into a desperate and sad situation. When life is hard and I face difficulties, I pray I will have the same strength I see in Carmi.

Lessons through Relationship

At the age of 25, I had still never been on a real date. I was certain that I was a weirdo, but I was perfectly okay with my single state. I even wrote a blog about how being single was a blessing.

But then on January 15^th, I met this local boy with a backwards cap and a friendly smile and I was smitten. We began a friendship and before I knew it, I was in a relationship for the first time! The emotions and experiences that most of the world faces at the age of 16 were suddenly hitting me in my mid-twenties.

Childish excitement kept me from sleeping as I re-played the sweet moments of getting to know this special young man. I had NO idea what I was doing. He didn’t exactly know what he was doing either, but it was fun to figure it out together :)

Months passed and our relationship continued to blossom. What I didn’t anticipate was all of the lessons I would learn through sharing life so closely with another person. The parts of myself that I had usually kept hidden from others were now exposed as my heart had been opened.

This process was painful! My sinful nature (pride, jealously, selfishness, etc.) came to the surface. It’s never fun to have someone see your faults and especially to admit your own faults. This year has brought me to my knees in repentance more than ever before. While this was extremely challenging at times and brought on so much stress, I don’t think I’ve ever had such a deep appreciation for the cross and what Jesus did for me. In the past, I always felt like a pretty “good” person. I may say a little white lie here and there but I couldn’t really pinpoint my sins. But after being in a relationship and dealing with these new emotions, I realized the weight of my sins. It brought me to the feet of Jesus and I could finally grasp what it meant for his blood to wash over my sins and make me white as snow.

Being in a relationship is teaching me to be more like Jesus. No longer am I living for myself. I no longer do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have another person to consider when I make decisions. His needs and wants come before my own. Laying down my selfishness has been a refining process in itself. It’s been a challenge to let go of some of my independence. In my single days, it was common for me to go on walks at midnight to pray and spend time with God. However; knowing that this makes my boyfriend extremely worried has caused me to give up what I want to do in order to keep him from worrying. I’ve had to lay down my pride and ask for forgiveness many times when I’ve failed him.   

Loving another person and being loved by him has taught me so much about God’s love for me. Even on the days when I am moody, emotional, and I sin against him, he is patient, forgiving and loving. I feel so unworthy, yet he loves me anyway! And to think that God’s love is even better than that! His love for us is PERFECT and holy. It’s also been a great joy to love God by loving him. I want to always be there for him to encourage him, support him and pray for him. I’m not perfect at it, but I strive to love him in the same way that Christ loves me.

The theme verse through our relationship has been “Love endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13: 7). Even though we come from vastly different cultures and upbringings; Even though we disagree on some things and each have our own quirks; Even when our eyes are swollen from crying and we just want to give up- we strive to glorify the Lord together.

Being in a relationship is harder than I expected. If Satan has his way, a relationship has the potential to distract you from God. We have to constantly strive to love Christ first, then love each other. Some days are hard and it isn’t always a magical fairytale, but the JOY that comes through striving to give of myself and love another person; the BLESSING of being loved no matter how unloveable I am…this has made this year one of the most teachable years of my life. I’ve grown up a lot. I’ve matured as I pray daily to seek the LORD for his favor and direction for the future.

I’ve learned that no matter which season of life I am in, God is still the same. He teaches me different things in different seasons. Whether I’m single, or whether I’m in a relationship with a godly man, or whether I’m married one day- I want my life’s purpose to be to glorify the LORD and exalt his name forever. 

A Year Without Social Media

I’ve noticed that I’m not as friendly to strangers as I used to be.

 

Used to, I'd strike up a conversation with the person awkwardly standing with me in the elevator, watching the little numbers light up. I used to smile and wave to the people passing by on the street. Shoot, I'd even become like BFF with the old lady behind me in the line at Taco Bell.

But in the past year, I've noticed that those interactions have become few and far between.

I wondered why, but then I quickly realized the reason...

...I got a smartphone. (Yeah, I know, I was a good 4 or 5 years behind the rest of the world, but whatever).

Now that I had instant access to my facebook or Instagram, I found myself constantly, almost robotically scrolling through the news feed any time I had a second of spare time. It became a habit.

This is something I've noticed in friends as well. If I'm having dinner with 5 people, I guarantee there will be 5 phones sitting on the table, just waiting for the next text message or "like" on Instagram. If there's silence, everyone will revert to updating their status or seeing what everyone else is up to.

Nothing irritates me more than someone whose phone is constantly attached to their palm while I am talking to them. To me this screams, "Whatever I'm looking at on my phone right now is more important than you."

Since when did virtual interactions become more important than real ones?

Don't get me wrong, technology is great! There are amazing benefits to facebook and other types of social media. They are excellent tools for keeping in touch with friends who live far away, and for communicating in general. But it becomes unhealthy when we are so addicted to social media that we don't know how to function without it. The number of "likes" you get for a post does not determine how popular you are. Sometimes we just need to live in the moment, rather than thinking, "Oooh, This would make a great cover photo," or, "Wait! I gotta Instagram this!"

I've found myself saying and thinking these things, and basically...it's dumb! I want to experience real life and not just document it.

Social media makes communication easy. But it can also make us lazy. When wondering how "so and so" is doing, I often find myself scrolling through their photos so that I can assume what has been going on in their life. Instead, I could just be really old school and call them to ASK how they've been doing.

I'm tired of living my life through the lens of a screen with photos and little sentences on it.

 

So for 2014, I’m going to try an experiment. I’m going to go an entire year without facebook, Instagram, or any other social media network that comes up between now and 2015. I'm sure I'll check in occasionally to look at my best friend's wedding and baby photos, etc. But for the most part, I want to be social media sober! After the year is over, I’ll be able to evaluate the pros and cons and decide whether or not to return to the virtual friend world J

 

I'm going to use the time where I would usually be mindlessly browsing through pictures and statuses to make phone calls, write letters, go on walks, read books, and sit down and talk with people face-to-face.

 

I'm going to start talking to strangers again (in a non-creepy way...promise).

 

This isn't a bash on our society or technology. It's simply a realization that for me, I'm spending way too much time on this stuff and it seems to be detracting from reality. Life is short, and I don't want to waste it!

 

If you need to contact me during my hiatus, feel free to e-mail me at Meredith.brunson@gmail.com, or check my blog for occasional updates.

 

Does everything really happen for a reason?

I remember hearing of the Sandy Hook Elementary school shootings on the news last year. I couldn’t bear to watch the chaos unfold. Frantic parents waiting to hear the names of the children who had survived…and those who hadn’t. My heart was broken over the evil that is all too present in our world. I felt the same way in April when I got a phone call from my brother who had been a few blocks away from the bombings at the Boston marathon. Runners who should have been exhilarated at the end of the race were instead laying in a pool of blood, fighting for their lives.

While discussing these tragedies with several Christian friends, one of them said, “I sure don’t understand it, but I know everything happens for a reason.”

This statement did not sit well with me. How could everything happen for a reason? Are women raped and children murdered for a reason? To believe this would imply that God is the author of evil, which contradicts Scripture.

James 1:13 says, “God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.”

1 John 1:5 says, “God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.”

We cannot take an evil, sinful act and attribute it to God's "sovereign will." God HATES sin. It is never His desire for us to do evil. That’s why He calls us to “be holy, as I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:16. He created the world to be good, yet humankind went against His perfect plan and brought sin into the world with the first bite of the forbidden fruit.

We cannot lazily go throughout our lives assuming that our actions are acceptable just because God allows them to happen. Some will say that it is impossible to go against God’s will. From what I see in Scripture, we go against God’s will every time that we choose to sin.

John Calvin states it well, “. . . the Lord had declared that "everything that he had made . . . was exceedingly good" [Gen. 1:31]. Whence, then comes this wickedness to man, that he should fall away from his God? Lest we should think it comes from creation, God had put His stamp of approval on what had come forth from himself. By his own evil intention, then, man corrupted the pure nature he had received from the Lord; and by his fall drew all his posterity with him into destruction. Accordingly, we should contemplate the evident cause of condemnation in the corrupt nature of humanity-which is closer to us-rather than seek a hidden and utterly incomprehensible cause in God's predestination. [Institutes, 3:23:8]

With that being said, God, in His sovereignty, allows evil to happen. In His infinite wisdom, He allows humankind to make decisions and ultimately uses all things to bring Him glory. Even this has been hard for me to grasp at times, but I have to remember that God’s thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are his ways my ways (Isaiah 55:8). 

While God allows evil to unfold, He does not create it. He doesn’t delight in it. I believe it breaks His heart. I can imagine God weeping with the families of those who died in the Boston bombings.

Jesus tells us that in this world we WILL have many troubles (John 16:33), “but take heart! I have overcome the world.” We will always have tragedies and heart aches and evil on this earth. That is the result of sin. I take great comfort in knowing that God does not delight in these things, but He has overcome them! 

Romans 8:28 is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It says, “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him.”

My friend James is from Rwanda. During the horrific genocide, 11 of his relatives were brutally murdered.  He was devastated, he was angry…he wanted justice. But as a believer, in Christ, he chose to see how God would use his terrible situation to allow something good to happen. Years later, he went back to the village where those who had murdered his family lived. He didn’t fight back. He didn’t even show hostility. Instead, he did the unthinkable…He forgave them. Then he shared with them the Good News about Jesus who had forgiven him of his sins. He told them that since God had forgiven him, he also wanted to forgive them. The murderers were so struck by his act of grace and forgiveness, that they each chose to follow Jesus. That village in Rwanda is now growing as more and more people come to know the Lord. It’s only a small glimpse of how God is working for good in that situation.

So does everything really happen for a reason? I don't think so. But is God always working for the good in all situations? Yes. Even when God allows tragedy to strike, and even when our sin gets in the way, He will always work it out. We may not always see it, but He is working in ways that we cannot even imagine to accomplish His will.

Foggy Futures & Contented Todays

Fog crept its way around me from every angle. Driving late at night on country roads was dangerous enough, but the thick fog made me especially nervous. I couldn’t even see ten feet in front of me. But the light from my headlights provided just enough visibility for me to safely move forward. I slowed down and set my gaze on the part of the road that was directly in front of me. As I moved forward I could see a little more, and then a little more. It was scary not being able to see exactly where I was going, but I kept on driving until I made it home safely.

When I got home that night, I realized how often I find myself in a similar situation in life. I try and try to figure out what my life will be like 5, 10 or 20 years from now and plan out my future. But when it comes down to it, the future is a huge cloud of fog that I can’t see. I have no way of knowing where I’ll be even two days from now. I can hope and dream, but when it comes down to it, all I can see is what God has placed in front of me right now.

Why is it so hard to be content with that?

Often times we are so focused on what could be that we miss out on the blessings and opportunities that God has given us in the here and now.

I find myself always dreaming about the next big thing. First it was moving away to college. But when I got to college I dreamt about spending my summers in Sri Lanka, then I dreamt about moving to Hawaii, and then to California, and then…etc. I’m always looking ahead, always wondering what life could be like. Dreaming isn’t bad, but hopes for the future should never take away joy from the present.

I’m reminded of the verse in Proverbs 4:25 that says, “Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.”

Notice that it doesn’t say, “Let your eyes look far ahead, fix your gaze on the distant future.” No, it’s saying “Open your eyes! Look at where you are right NOW!”

For me, this means that I need to fix my gaze on the 200 international students that I interact with on a weekly basis. It means deepening friendships and growing in community with those around me. It means using the gifts God has given me to serve Him where I am right now, in Hawaii. Sometimes it even means scrubbing toilets and taking out the trash.

Life isn’t always glamorous. It may not always be exciting and magical and what we may have dreamt it would be. But Jesus came so that we could have life to the fullest (John 10:10).

When I think back to that night when I was driving in the fog, I remember the anxiety I had about not being able to see what was ahead of me. I am so prone to worry about the future. I guess I think knowing where I am going will give me a sense of security. I so often struggle with anxiety over every little decision that will affect my future (just ask anyone who remotely knows me!) But this is not what God desires. In Matthew 6 Jesus tells us not to worry about life or what we will eat, or drink, or wear. He says, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Instead of worrying about the future, I think God wants us to focus on HIM and trust Him to reveal more and more of His plan for us as we take life one day at a time. We don’t need to see where we are going. We just need to trust that God is in control. When we stop fearing the foggy future, we will find much more contentment in today.

My sweet Memaw

Memaw and I love to have sleepovers together. Usually, they are in her comfortable king sized bed at her home in Hamlet, NC. We stay up late talking, giggling and reading our Bibles together before we drift off to sleep.

Tonight, our sleepover looks a little different. Machines are beeping and nurses are coming in and out as I sit with Memaw in the ICU room of the hospital in the wee hours of the night. She has tubes in her mouth which are providing her with oxygen and food. She’s been here for days, drifting in and out of consciousness as her family waits by her side.

I flew in from Hawaii after hearing of her condition. I’ve been with her ever since. I don’t want to take my eyes off of her and want to savor every moment.

Due to the tubes, Memaw is unable to speak, but she tries to communicate with us by scribbling on a piece of paper and pointing to pictures. I know she’s still the sweet Memaw I’ve always known because I can see that same smile in her eyes. A smile that’s full of love and compassion. Even though she can’t talk, she squeezes my hand and winks at me to let me know that she loves me.

Each morning, I read to her from one of her favorite devotional books. She gave me the same book a couple years ago, so every day, I find comfort in knowing that Memaw and I are doing the same quiet time. The scriptures for this week could not have been any more relevant. As we read today’s devotion, it said, “Do not be afraid. Trust in me.” A single tear slid down Memaw’s cheek as she looked at me and nodded as if she was saying “I trust Him…I won’t be afraid.”

She has always been a spiritual mentor to me. But sitting here in the despair of a hospital room, I am overwhelmed by her strength and faith. Her 83 year old body chooses to praise Him even when her flesh and her heart is failing. What an inspiration she is to me.

Today is the day we have all been waiting for…the day Memaw got to come off of the ventilator! I don’t think I’ve ever been so relieved in my life. She coughed for a while and then whispered, “Can I talk now?” We all cheered as she uttered those words.

For four long days she had been unable to communicate verbally and had been bound to her hospital bed. The nurses raved and raved about what a good patient she had been, commenting on how calm and cooperative she had been. Memaw’s response was, “Well, I like to cooperate with everyone. It’s only God’s strength in me.” Never once did she complain or resist their instructions.

Her first meal consisted of jello, chicken broth and a cherry popsicle. Memaw reached out her hands to those of us gathered around and said, “Shall we pray?” She went on to say one of the most beautiful, heart-felt prayers I’ve ever heard. She praised Jesus for his grace and mercy and for using this difficult time to draw us closer to him.

This week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. I faced fear and anxiety every day, not knowing what was wrong with Memaw or what the outcome would be. I got very little sleep, and the times I did sleep I woke up with tears on my face. But what a blessing it has been to witness this part of the Brunson family’s journey.

God used this difficulty to draw our family together. I was reunited with cousins I hadn’t seen in years. My brothers, parents, aunts, uncles and cousins came together to care for Memaw- the matriarch of our family and an inspiration to us all. We prayed together. We gathered around Memaw’s bed and sang worship songs straight from our hearts- crying out to God to have mercy on our beloved Charlotte Brunson.

He heard our prayers and blessed us with more time with her. She is still very weak, and probably will be for some time as she goes through rehab and physical therapy. It’s still hard to see her struggle to do the things that used to come so naturally to her. But she is a fighter and she’s determined to get better.

This morning we laughed as she struggled to eat jello for breakfast. It kept sliding off of her spoon and onto her lap. She shrugged and said, “I’m just like a baby!” Our devotion this morning was yet again perfect. It came from 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Our favorite nurse Terry (who has been such an encouragement to all of us) listened in and shouted an Amen!

“Give thanks in all things…”Memaw repeated with a smile.

“We have a lot to be thankful for today, don’t we Memaw?” I said.

“We sure do,” she said as she put her hand on my face.

And we will continue to give thanks. No matter what lays ahead, we will give thanks for every day, every moment, that He gives us with Memaw. Her life continues to radiate with the sweetness of the Lord. She has touched countless lives- even in the hospital, she is impacting lives with her peaceful and patient demeanor. Her children, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren have been deeply impacted by the legacy Memaw and Granddaddy have passed down to us. May we be faithful to continue their legacy.

Seminary Reflections

I recently graduated from Golden Gate Seminary with a Masters of Missiology. I had the opportunity to share my story at the graduation ceremony and wanted to share it with all of you. I'm so very thankful for the time I spent at seminary, the friendships I made, and the many lessons I learned. Here's my story:

Two years ago, I packed all of my belongings into my car and began the 3,000 mile journey from North Carolina to San Francisco. Going to seminary had always been a dream of mine, but when I crossed the Golden Gate Bridge a week later, my dream became a reality. I was finally here, a student at Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary. I was nervous and excited, all at the same time. I knew God had called me here, but I had no idea what to expect.

At the new student orientation that week, I found myself in a room full of students just like myself who had answered God’s call to full-time ministry and decided to come to seminary to be properly trained and equipped.  Dr. Iorg stood in front of us and spoke about the significance of our years at seminary. At that moment, I remember looking across the room and getting goose bumps. It was amazing to think that each person in the room had received a specific calling from God and one day we would be scattered across the world, proclaiming the name of Jesus to those who need Him. And yet, God had brought us together for this season of our lives, to learn and grow and become the people that He designed us to be. I felt completely humbled and unworthy to be a part of such a great mission. I remember going up to the top of Chapel hill that night and looking out at the city of San Francisco. I cried out to God to use my short two years of seminary to draw me closer to Him and to be well-equipped for whatever He had in store for me.

Two years later, I can now stand before you and testify that God answered those prayers. God has used my experience at Golden Gate to draw me closer to Himself and to equip me for ministry. I’d like to share with you how I have grown academically and spiritually, and how I have been prepared for ministry.

The classes I have taken at Golden Gate have stretched my mind and taught me practical truths that I will carry with me as I enter into full-time ministry. Academics don’t necessarily come naturally for me, so when I started my first semester, I was anxious…to say the least. I still remember the utter fear I had when I was assigned my very first exegesis paper in Dr. Watson’s Old Testament class. I didn’t know what the word “exegesis” even meant and suddenly I felt very overwhelmed.  I had no idea what I had gotten myself into and wondered if I was really cut out for this whole seminary thing. I stood outside of my professor’s office, nearly in tears, when I ran into Dr. Iorg in the hallway. He encouraged me not to stress over every assignment, but to just enjoy the process of learning. Once I cut myself some slack, I began to learn some valuable lessons in my classes. I enjoyed diving into the Bible in my Old and New Testament classes and then discovering the core of my beliefs in my Theology classes. My missions and evangelism classes were some of the most practical for me as I studied different people groups and how to most effectively share God’s love with them.

But perhaps just as valuable as the education I received in the classroom were the things I learned through relationships with my professors and fellow students. There were many evenings that I would sit in Dr. Prosperly and Patsy’s home, hearing stories from the mission field in India while sipping on chai tea. I was captivated by their stories and encouraged by their experiences. I spent my J-terms traveling with world with Dr. Pate and other professors and students. My eyes were opened to see the ways God is working in Southeast Asia and the Middle East. These hands-on experiences taught me more than I ever could have learned through reading a textbook. God blessed me with supportive professors and deep friendships on campus. I am so thankful for the community that I have found here at Golden Gate.

As I reflect on the spiritual journey I’ve been through in seminary, two main lessons come to mind. The first lesson God taught me in seminary is to be deeply invested in the present. It’s easy to look ahead and dream about what the next phase of life will be like. But God has placed you HERE for this time. The missionary Jim Elliot once said, “wherever you are, be all there!” As a planner and a visionary, I often find myself missing out on the present because I am so future focused. But as I went through seminary, I felt like God was constantly reminding me to live in the here and now, always aware of how He is working around me and how I can join Him. When I finally stopped trying to plan my whole future, God showed me how He could use me here in Mill Valley, even as I prepared for ministry. I got connected with international students in the area through Tiburon Baptist Church and loved serving God in that way.

Perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned in seminary is to love God more than anything. In my very first class in seminary, my professor said something that has stuck with me ever since. She said, “Often times it’s easy in ministry to love serving God more than you love Him.” Over the course of the next year, I found myself falling into that trap. I found satisfaction from doing service projects and telling other people about Jesus. But I realized that I talked about Him more than I talked to Him. I began to feel very superficial, like I was preaching something I didn’t actually practice. God brought me to a breaking point where I was stripped of all of my ministry titles and everything else that I had used to be my identity. He showed me that my identity could only be found in HIM. Though this was a painful process, I am so thankful that I learned this now. I would not be prepared to go into full-time ministry if God was not the core of my being.

These spiritual lessons, along with the theological knowledge I’ve gained, have prepared me for the next step in my journey. This summer, I will move to Hawaii where I will share Christ with international students at the University of Hawaii. God gave me a passion for international students many years ago, and He used my experience at Golden Gate to confirm that call. I am so excited to see what He has in store!

When we leave this place today, we will embark on a new phase of our lives. Some of you will be pastors, some will be missionaries, some will stay in America, others will take the Gospel to the ends of the earth. Let’s commit today to being fully present, and to loving Jesus more than anything else. Our seminary experience has prepared and equipped us for ministry. Now let’s go be the salt of the earth and the light of the world and fulfill the great commission together.