His righteousness for my rottenness

Commotion... Laughter... Fellowship... Food...Culture...Spiritual conversations...

These are just just a few words to describe my experience with international student ministry. Each day is different. When I wake up in the morning, I never know exactly who I will see or what kinds of conversations I will have.

I like the thrill of going into the unknown. It takes faith, which God is graciously giving me more of as the days and weeks go by.

On Tuesdays I have the humbling responsibility of caring for the little ones as their mothers take English class. Sometimes they cry the entire time and I know that there's nothing I can do or say to make them feel better. But as I look at the pitiful tears streaming down their faces and hear their shrilling cries, I pray for God's hand to be upon them. To raise them into young men and women of God who will one day impact their countries and their families with Christ's love.

Each Thursday we welcome 150-200 people into our church to enjoy a time of food and fellowship. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the multitude of new faces. I want to talk to each and every one of them, but know that it's impossible. I look around and see different skin colors, hear different languages, and marvel at the fact that God has brought them all into the same room. I ask God to ordain my steps. To place me at the right table, to sit next to someone who needs a friend. Or maybe someone who God has placed in my path to encourage me.

Sometimes we talk about school- the struggles of studying and preparing presentations. Other times we share funny stories and embarrassing things that happened to us. My heart sings when a student asks me a question opens a door for me to share my faith.

That's the area I've been stretched in the most throughout the past 8 weeks: Sharing my faith. Though I still get knots in my stomach sometimes, I have come to find great joy in sharing Christ with others. I can't believe that God has allowed me to tell some of these precious students the most important thing they will ever hear! What a privilege!

Have I had my share of struggles since I've been here? Yes. I've learned that Hawaii is not necessarily "paradise" for the people who live here. I've felt attacked by the enemy at times and have felt distant from God.

I've been reminded that there is nothing good about me. I am a rotten mess. I am proud and selfish and desire earthly things. I have been convicted lately of my Pharisee-like qualities:

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence...First clean the inside of the cup and dish and then the outside also will be clean." Matthew 23:25-26

Being a missionary, sometimes I feel that I need to have an extra layer of holiness. Even if I'm not where I should be spiritually, I try to cover it up to appear to have it all together. But the reality is that I don't. I'm nothing more than a filthy, infected cup that deceivingly looks clean on the outside.

But praise God for providing a way out. He has covered my rottenness with His righteousness.

Sometimes I forget. Maybe He has been showing me my filthiness so that I will run to Him and cling to His forgiveness and redemption.

I am so grateful for His mercy and grace. I want to be more like Him. I want this experience in Hawaii to continue to challenge me in my faith and increase my dependence upon Christ.

He is at work in my heart. The process is painful, but I don't want to be stagnant. I want to grow so that others can know Him.

This blog is not at all what I thought it would be when I sat down to write a little update. I guess I just needed to process what God has been doing in my heart. I need your prayers. Incredible things are happening here, but Satan is definitely trying to get in the way...let's pray that God will continue to do the unthinkable.