Facedown

Face on the floor. Heart beating fast. Tears flowing. Mind racing.

I often find myself in this position when I’m facing a task that is far too daunting to complete on my own.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve had an independent nature. When I was just six years old, I got on an airplane by myself and went to visit my grandparents for a week. Being on my own didn’t faze me, even as a child.

As I’ve grown and matured, that independent spirit has gone with me. I enjoy going places on my own and being put in situations where I don’t know anyone and have to find my own way.

Sometimes, though, I need a sharp reminder that I am completely incapable of doing anything on my own.

This tends to hit me right before something significant is about to take place. For example, the two summers that I worked as a counselor for Fuge camps, I had a breakdown the night before the first day of camp.

Just when I thought I was prepared and ready to lead a group of students, I was suddenly terrified at the thought. I vividly remember the night in 2008 when I was up late preparing my Bible study room for the campers that were to arrive the next day. I was shaking in fear that I would fail at my job. I kneeled down on the dirty tile floor and cried out to God to equip me for the task that was ahead of me. God truly humbled me that night and showed me that it is foolish to try to do anything apart from Him.

I’ve experienced this before I go on mission trips as well. I can be completely packed and ready to go, but if my heart is not prepared for service, I’m not prepared at all. Before I went to Sri Lanka this year, God really shook me. It was almost as if He was saying, “Just because you’ve been to Sri Lanka many times doesn’t mean that you can do this on your own. You need to trust in ME.” I needed that reminder.

Tomorrow I am embarking on another journey. I’ll be leaving my home, my family, and all that is familiar to me, and heading to Golden Gate Seminary. A few days ago, I had another “facedown” moment where I was completely humbled and cried out for God to strengthen me with His power.

As excited as I am, I definitely have some fears as well.

This is perhaps the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever had to take. At times, I second guess myself and wonder if it’s really necessary to go to the opposite end of the country where I don’t know many people. But then I’m reminded of the clear sense of direction I had when I chose which school to go to. I know that God is faithful and He will always, always provide. The key is to make sure that I’m dwelling in Him…not in myself.

So as I make this transition I want to be constantly aware of God’s greatness and my weaknesses. And when I start to think I can go through life on my own, I pray that I will once again fall facedown, desperate for God.